Guest Post from Parker: Stop Your Lying, Mom, for real

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Here’s some gems Mom has been feeding to me lately. This woman is full of malarkey and the world needs to know about it. I mean, who does she think she’s kidding here– little miss Fire Biter over there? Let’s get real, Mom. I’m not feeling these lies.

1. “If you are not good, we are sending Buzz Lightyear on vacation.”

Pfft. Oh really? How creative! Don’t you really mean, “if you don’t stop your crap we’re going to put him on top of the fridge again and torture you all day long but then give him back to you anyway.” Yeah, you know he doesn’t go on vacation. Have you even SEEN the movie?

2. “You need to take a nap because Mommy needs to take a nap.”

Oh right! Well, this is only true if by nap you mean “watch Pitch Perfect and do her nails.”

3. “I don’t know where your trumpet went. We’ll have to keep looking.”

How many more years are you going to keep up this story that its “lost”? You threw it in the garbage and you know it. You hated that trumpet and you have forever stifled my musical talent because of it.

4. “We’ll go outside later, it’s too cold.”

Yeah, that never stops Miss Bridgette when she wants to powerwalk with the stroller to Starbucks for a coffee now does it? Priorities, Mom. Come on. I’m not the most athletic kid, do you think you could play ball with me and at least give me a shot?

5. “The Ipad is broken. Your games don’t work.”

Yeah, it must only be able to go on Pinterest and Facebook. And check your email. And listen to your favorite Pandora station.

6. “If you don’t eat your whole dinner, you won’t get big like Daddy.”

You told me I used to be a tiny baby. I have quadrupled my size and doubled my height in three years. How many inches has Mr. Eggs for Breakfast grown recently? And I haven’t noticed YOU sprouting up with all your vegetable eating.

7. “There’s chocolate in it.”

Seriously, woman. I barely eat as it is. Do you really think chocolate is going to make everything better? What about when I figure out that the “chocolate log” was actually sausage? How much therapy will help me recover from that lie?

8. “You should know better, you’re sister is littler than you.”

Okay, maybe she is shorter but she has a ridiculous right hook. She also has bitten me on every appendage and twice on my back. I sleep with one eye open and never put my back to her in the bath. I live my life terrified and you think I’m the big bully. Great, just great.”

9. “When you save enough money in your piggy bank, maybe you can buy that.”

Oh, okay. We’ll put my hopes and dreams on the back burner so you can get those new heels. Go ahead, treat yo’self Shortcut Girl, no one’s stealing from your piggy bank, right? Oh, and where did my Easter money go from Grand Mom. Nice, Mom, real nice.

10. “You can’t watch another show, your brain won’t grow.”

Ooooooooh! So that’s it! Instead let’s play watch Parker dump out all the toys on the floor. And then maybe a little game of toilet paper tag. What? Oh, I can watch a show now? Oh, thanks! (SUCKER!)

 

Guest Post From Parker: How to Deal With Crazy Parents on a School Break

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Can you even begin to understand the stress I am under for my ENTIRE LIFE not just having ONE but TWO parents who are teachers? That means no school breaks where I get to roam the house, eat Spaghettios and watch Scooby Doo all day, no video games, no pajamas all day and all night. Nope. Those two will be there every day of every flippin’ school vacation until I graduate.

Thanks for ruining my life, Mom and Dad. Thanks a lot.

Case in point: Last Week. It was a nice break from day care and preschool, but, really Mom? Don’t you think you should look into a prescription for Prozac? Is coloring on the kitchen tile really the cause for yelling? Let’s just take it down a notch, kay? Here’s my take on how to deal with crazy parents when you spend too many Winter days indoors.

White Fang

The best development that could have occurred this week is that my little sister became a biter. Instantly catapulting me from “bad boy” status and putting all eyes on her. Because she has turned into a Toddler version of Twilight, I was able to get away with two big cups of chocolate milk, two lollipops and no less than three Disney movies on the Ipad. You know what’s even better? The little vamp takes off my glasses and chucks them to the ground. Classic bully move and my parents are instantly horrified. Future recesses on school playgrounds flash before their eyes. And Bella the Biter (or Celia the Chomper) gets her first taste of time out…mixed with just a little bit of blood. Eh, it’s worth it.

Whenever it seems like their attitudes are ever so slightly shifting towards favoring her again, I just bust out my scary bite mark for a little sympathy. There’s nothing like laying on the parental guilt. It kills them.

 

Going Toddlerexic

Another awesome thing to do on vacations to really mess with parents is to just go on a hunger strike. No food= unhappy toddler. Unhappy toddler= whiney toddler. Whiney toddler= parents are nervous they are going to have a terrible time on their vacation. Nervous parents= bribes. The trick is to make them think that it’s their idea. For three days I ate only dirt, milk, 3 Goldfish, 2 Starburst and 9 Nutri-Grain bars. They were desperate.

 

“It was an accident.”

What really gets them Googling parenting advice is when you make them think you are not potty trained anymore. They typically search for “potty regression” “toddler bladder control” or “nervous toddler AND peeing.” All they really see is the future poopy diapers you could possibly be making them touch again. It gets inside their head, they, like panic and go all social worker on you. “Were you afraid you would not make it to the potty?” “Did you forget where the potty was?” “Were you nervous about the new potty?” No lame-o, I just happen to know that peeing my pants gets me a. a lot of attention and b. some clean underwear. It also makes you stop watching Princess cuteness over there point to her nose over and over again. Sometimes, it’s the only thing I’ve got.

 

5 More Minutes

Newsflash Mom, no one ever taught me how long a minute was so every time I tell YOU that I will do something after 5 minutes, what I’m really saying is: “I’ll do that when I gosh darn want to, so zip it.” I mean, no offense, that’s just what I mean.

 

Antibiotics

You might have thought you kept the germs away but I don’t think you know that sometimes I actually just splash water all over the bathroom and smear soap on the mirror for fun–washing my hands has nothing to do with that bathroom party. So if you think once the 10 days are up you are in the clear, you are sorely, sorely mistaken. I’ve been taking bacteria samples from all my best friend’s sippy cups all week. You’re in for it.

 

Time in!

Just so you know. Time out is bullshit. It’s just a time for you to reflect on how you are going to explain to me for the 100th time that pulling my sister’s hair is not okay. And really, I don’t have time for that. I need to figure out how I can possibly get as many stickers as possible stuck to the underside of the kitchen table before bedtime. I’ll do my job, you do yours. Why don’t you take Little Miss Chompers there and change her diaper again and make yourself useful.