Here’s some gems Mom has been feeding to me lately. This woman is full of malarkey and the world needs to know about it. I mean, who does she think she’s kidding here– little miss Fire Biter over there? Let’s get real, Mom. I’m not feeling these lies.
1. “If you are not good, we are sending Buzz Lightyear on vacation.”
Pfft. Oh really? How creative! Don’t you really mean, “if you don’t stop your crap we’re going to put him on top of the fridge again and torture you all day long but then give him back to you anyway.” Yeah, you know he doesn’t go on vacation. Have you even SEEN the movie?
2. “You need to take a nap because Mommy needs to take a nap.”
Oh right! Well, this is only true if by nap you mean “watch Pitch Perfect and do her nails.”
3. “I don’t know where your trumpet went. We’ll have to keep looking.”
How many more years are you going to keep up this story that its “lost”? You threw it in the garbage and you know it. You hated that trumpet and you have forever stifled my musical talent because of it.
4. “We’ll go outside later, it’s too cold.”
Yeah, that never stops Miss Bridgette when she wants to powerwalk with the stroller to Starbucks for a coffee now does it? Priorities, Mom. Come on. I’m not the most athletic kid, do you think you could play ball with me and at least give me a shot?
5. “The Ipad is broken. Your games don’t work.”
Yeah, it must only be able to go on Pinterest and Facebook. And check your email. And listen to your favorite Pandora station.
6. “If you don’t eat your whole dinner, you won’t get big like Daddy.”
You told me I used to be a tiny baby. I have quadrupled my size and doubled my height in three years. How many inches has Mr. Eggs for Breakfast grown recently? And I haven’t noticed YOU sprouting up with all your vegetable eating.
7. “There’s chocolate in it.”
Seriously, woman. I barely eat as it is. Do you really think chocolate is going to make everything better? What about when I figure out that the “chocolate log” was actually sausage? How much therapy will help me recover from that lie?
8. “You should know better, you’re sister is littler than you.”
Okay, maybe she is shorter but she has a ridiculous right hook. She also has bitten me on every appendage and twice on my back. I sleep with one eye open and never put my back to her in the bath. I live my life terrified and you think I’m the big bully. Great, just great.”
9. “When you save enough money in your piggy bank, maybe you can buy that.”
Oh, okay. We’ll put my hopes and dreams on the back burner so you can get those new heels. Go ahead, treat yo’self Shortcut Girl, no one’s stealing from your piggy bank, right? Oh, and where did my Easter money go from Grand Mom. Nice, Mom, real nice.
10. “You can’t watch another show, your brain won’t grow.”
Ooooooooh! So that’s it! Instead let’s play watch Parker dump out all the toys on the floor. And then maybe a little game of toilet paper tag. What? Oh, I can watch a show now? Oh, thanks! (SUCKER!)