19 Ridiculous Things I Never Expected About Parenting

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1. That the mere suggestion of a birthday party, lunch or social event during nap time could make me instantly start sweating.

2. That I would feel perfectly justified in bringing an IPad to a restaurant.

3. That a shower in a locked bathroom would feel like a full spa day at the right moment.

4. That I would get irrationally angry at waitresses who mentioned “dessert” to clearly behaving children.

5. That I would get irrationally angry at waitresses who did not mention “dessert” to clearly misbehaving children.

6. That the words “bounce house” would translate to “early bedtime and Netflix binge.”

7. That I would get my kids to smile for Christmas card photos by bribing them with Swedish Fish.

8. That I would constantly play out scenarios in my head where my kids’ teachers actually make fun of the lunches I pack them. “Gogurt, again? Is she domestically challenged?”

9. That I would be the type of Mom who yelled.

10. That I would be the type of Mom who yelled at Wal-Mart.

11. That I would be the type of Mom who only had to stop for gogurt and goldfish but suddenly felt like I was on the Reality Show “This is Your Toddler” where your child suddenly turns into a savage beast and the entire community watches via security cameras.

12. That I would sometimes cry wondrous tears of joy when someone offered to babysit for free, for pay or (the rarity) –overnight!

13. That my heart would actually feel like it could burst out of my chest with pride.

14. That I would love my husband more as a father than I did as a man.

15. That I would sometimes use the “stinky feet test” for deciding on whether it was a bath night or not.

16. That I would prefer buying cute clothes for my kids than for myself.

17. That they, even at ages 3 and 4, could be my best friends.

18. That Saturday morning soccer in my thirties would feel like penance for all the Friday afternoon Happy Hours of my twenties.

19. That I would laugh, so heartily, at my new parent self years later. “Au Natural Baby food making Mommy who now serves up nuggets and tater tots once (okay twice!) a week—-you were so smug and naive.”

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