16 Things My Kids Are Fighting Over

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When I had two kids 21 months apart, I thought I had it all figured out. Although I knew the early years would be crazy, I also thought they would be so close in age that they would play together all the time. Now, technically, this is true. They sleep in the same room (for the summer), nap at the same time, bathe at the same time and watch many of the same programs. And, even sometimes as I’m eavesdropping on them playing, I think, “Wow girl, you really nailed the whole siblings-as-playmates thing.”

And then a fight breaks out. And I play referee for the 154749th time since 6 am. And I am wondering if there is. Anything. My kids. Don’t. Fight. About.

I’ve basically deduced that people actually have a third kid to get the first two to stop fighting. I mean, if we had a baby around, Celia would totally be distracted from going after Parker with her fork. (This is not a hint. We are DONE!)

So in the spirit of “Reasons My Kid is Crying,” I bring you “Things My Kids Are Fighting Over.”

1. Who was first. First to the bathroom, to the car, to the beach, to the sink to brush their teeth. Everything is a race. To solve one squabble, I introduced the phrase, “First is the worst, second is the best.” Word of advice: Don’t do that. It easily doubles the amount of fights that break out and you have to explain why you taught them basically to be unsportsmanlike and bratty about losing.

2. One is standing directly in front of the TV and the other can’t also stand directly in front of the TV.

3. One has a penis and the other doesn’t.

4. Who does/doesn’t like the color pink or red or blue or purple or green.

5. One has to poop at exactly the same Greenwich Mean Time that the other has to poop. A potty traffic jam/standoff has resulted.

6. Who introduced the word “poopy boobie” to our already growing Potty Talk repertoire.

7. Who opens the door for me. Who closes the door for me. Who walks through the doorway while another is opening/closing it.

8. One wants to put groceries on the conveyor belt at the same time and from the same angle as the other. Or they want to put change in the piggy bank or pet the doggie or drain the tub or gets under the actual shower part of the shower.

9. Who does/doesn’t smell like pee.

10. One answered my question first. One answered my question with the most accuracy.

11.One has a bigger rock. Or a smaller rock. Or a rounder rock. Or a flatter rock.

12. Who ate the last chip. The first chip. The best chip. Or the least soggy beach chip.

13. One has a balloon of any sort and the other doesn’t. This includes deflated and popped balloons and also balloons that they aren’t even in possession of, just ones we walk by in the store.

14. Who is/isn’t tired.Who is/isn’t hungry. Who is/isn’t hungry AND tired.

15. Who can run/talk/think/yell/swim/jump faster-quicker-better-louder-with more gusto than the other.

16. One is sitting/laying/stepping/stomping/hitting on the other’s leg/hand/head/foot/hair/eye/finger. And it hurts. And he/she may need a band-aid.

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