Guest Post from Parker: Healthy Food and Other Things I’ll Never Eat

So, it’s getting to that point in the summer.

You know the point.

Where your parents suddenly start cataloging the number of popsicles, ice cream cones, teddy grahams and marshmallows you have eaten since June 1st. And they hate themselves. And you realize the rest of your summer. Is. Doomed.

Today, Mom asked me to make a list of all the healthy “growing” foods I like to eat so we can always have them in the house. My list was: pasta, olives, grapes and raisins. She wasn’t really that happy with that list. And now that I am relaying it to you, I realize that grapes and raisins are really the same food. That probably really ticks her off. Heh Heh.

Anyway, I have this cool trick I play on my Mom. Everytime I am bored, I ask for something to eat or drink. Simply because I am always asking, I end up wearing her down to give up the Teddy Grahams by 10:00 am. Simply because I am always asking, she thinks because I agreed to an apple means that I ate it. Simply because I am always asking, she wants to silence me. And sometimes she knows the only way to do that is with food.

It’s kind of sad, isn’t it? No. It’s freaking awesome.

My sister is really no help in the food panhandling. Do you know she eats eggs? And hummus? And carrots? She really ruins the whole wearing down process and sometimes Mom gets all “I’m the boss” about how my sister eats better than me.

Oh yeah? Well, who can ask you for a treat so many times that you often offer two treats just to get him to shush? Not little blue eyes over there. This redhead. This three year old. This fine specimen of toddler, right here. 542200_10151796884286418_1079494095_n

If you want some pointers on how to adopt my amazing eating habits/Jedi mind tricks, here’s some simple rules for eating and choosing your own food:

1. Is it a carb? Okay, then consider it. Is it a carb with something wet or gooey on it? Then, nope, it’s not for you.

2. Is it’s main ingredient sugar? Then, yes.

3. Does it come in a tube or a pouch? Maybe. But not if it’s green.

4. Does it smell like cinnamon? Consider it.

5. Is it portable? This is a big plus. Consider all portables.

6. Has it been frozen? Then, probably not. I can taste a frozen bagel a mile away. But like popsicle or pudding pop frozen? Why, yes please.

7. Is there peanut butter on it? No. Just no.

8. Did a vegetable touch it? Is the vegetable corn on the cob? Then, yes.

9. Does it smile? Is it a French fry? YES! YES!

10. Is it meat but not a nugget of some sort? Sorry, no. It cannot be trusted.

Now if you try your own tricks and they also work to bringing your Mom to her knees and making her give up the junk to eat, make sure you let me know. I have been hard at work to figure out just the right tantrum to get a popsicle for breakfast. If you have any pointers, let me know. So far I’ve just been doing a lot of yelling before she has her coffee while also spilling boxes of Cheerios all over the kitchen. I think I am only 24 hours away from it. Yesssssss.

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