Guest Post from Parker: I Love You Five Much

my mom is the shortcut girl

I’m going to write a children’s book. And I wanted you all to be the first to know. I thought taking over the IPad and writing this post might be a good PR move. And I know my Mom won’t even notice because The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is on followed by Vanderpump Rules. So, in other words, I have about two hours unsupervised here. And since I already watched a replay of all the Super Bowl commercials with Dad, it’s time to get to work.

First, I want to say that although I think my Mom might use this blog to “vent” about her frustrations with parenting, you have to give me credit for being freaking ah-dore-able in the accompanying pictures. I mean, the cowboy hat picture? What three-year old with red hair and glasses can pull that off? This guy.

Back to my book. I’ve got very little planned out, but I have a title. Because I love titles. I love thinking of clever, witty and punny titles for foods, games, my sister’s stupid dolls and stuffed animals.

And I’ve got this one in the bag. It’s going to be called, I Love You Five Much.

It’s about a boy with red hair and glasses that loves his mother. And, well, he loves her five much. And he thinks that’s a lot. Like a real lot. But he knows that five much doesn’t really sound like a lot. So he kind of keeps his Mom guessing, you see? It’s a little game he plays with her. It’s a good game. And he always wins.

Would you read it?

I promise at the end there will not be an illustration of an elderly woman being held by a grown man . Because books like that are just terrible. And they make my Mom cry and get all huggie. And that’s just mean. It’s Mommy abuse, really.

I Love You Five Much will be a lighter version of the Mommy-Son love affair. Complete with the part where the red-headed boy says, “I loved Daddy first,” and “Don’t worry Mommy, Celia still loves you.” Because this book will be about getting real with your Mom. None of that fluffy stuff. When his Mommy says, “I love you to the moon and back” or some cheesy crap like that, he replies, “I love you five much.” And, although she is not sure if that is a lot or a little, she melts into a little Mom puddle, a muddle— when she hears it.

I’m not so sure what the moral of the story will be here. It may be just to make sure to tell your Mommy you love her because your Mom is an emotional sap of a woman needs to hear it. Or maybe–make sure you always quantify your feelings– no one likes an unspecfic I love you. Or— tell your Mom to suck it up and stop asking you how much you love her– she’s a big girl. Or how about— coming up with cute, just-for-Mommy sayings can really cement your relationship. Man that woman is a sap. Hmmm. I’m seeing a theme.

I’m wondering if maybe I should think about writing a self-help book instead of a picture book. Maybe Five Ways to Calm a Needy Mommy or The Happiest Mommy on the Block: Your Key to Boosting the Self-Esteem of Your Needy Mommy STAT! I mean, I’ve looked at some of the magazines my Mom reads and man, she really needs a lot of help! She’s always reading about what other Moms are doing, maybe I should be the voice of all the toddlers out there.

Sick of time outs? Read my book!

Not enough Teddy Grahams? Follow my five steps and your Sap of a Mom will be like play-doh in your little hands.

Wow, now I’m really onto something. But, I have to go because Bravo is on commercial break and Mom just realized I snuck the Ipad in bed. Spread the word about my upcoming book(s)! If you know anyone in publishing, send me a text!





  1. LOVED this!!!


  1. […] fiery, hot-tempered, unpredictable and spunky, sassy. The list goes on and on. If you have read any of my posts about Parker, you know that these are not stereotypes, these are facts. But still, some people take offense. […]

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