So, let’s say someone came to me wanting career advice– what should I be when I grow up? Let me tell you, I have a wealth of advice to offer. I have been studying the best and most lucrative careers for some time now.
First thing– do something that will get you your own reality show. That will provide you with a good living after you become a has been. It also gives you great home videos and records your most unfortunate hair days. Keeps you in check, ya know?
So, in order to embark upon this lucrative career, you should do any/ all of the following:
1. Become a chef or a matchmaker. Dye your hair a bizarre color and wear an inappropriate amount of make-up. Develop an accent, make up words like, “Tasty-tastic!” Write a cookbook.
2. Have either a lot of kids or a lot of wives. Be happy about it. And cute.
3. Contact the supernatural. Move to Long Island.
4. Enroll your kids in dance or pageants. Hate all other women who enroll their kids in dance and pageants.
5. Get engaged to someone famous. Have a big wedding. File for divorce. Have a big divorce. Rinse, repeat.
7. Call yourself a housewife even if you have no kids or husband. Find others who call themselves the same. Go to lunches with them where you get into petty arguments. Then, flip the table over.
8. Go to New Jersey. Study the natives. Be like them. Reality producer people love Jersey.
9. Start a business so you have something to promote while on TV. Maybe your own signature nail polish? Frying pan? Booze mixed with Kool Aid? Anything is possible, this is America!
10. Make a music video, it’s good PR. Come up with a good catch phrase. “Don’t be mean to the queen, Ohhh, Ohhh.”
11. Be open to dating 16 people at once (and kissing or cuddling them on camera) Then start to eliminate them by giving them (or not giving them) a flower of your choice- in…a…slow…dramatic…way.
12. Figure out how to be a like-able liar. This is important to outwitting, outplaying and out-lying. If you need to shed a few pounds, hanging out in the jungle for 39 days will do it.
13. GTL. It will help prepare you for the race around the world or the time spent in Exile or Inferno. You’ll be fit and feisty. You won’t have to worry about sunscreen as much either with that great base tan!
Good Luck! You’re going to be a STAR!!!